First sacrifice: Allen
It's the second week of Spring semester.. and I think im near a panic attack. It's been really hard to breathe lately.. and there are gazillion million things to do. Im forced to keep up and continue. I cried tonight cuz i dunno how much I can longer i can go on and how many more sacrifices i have to make. Allen never supported my becoming of a doctor and I always feel like a clown letting him know what I'm doing to get ahead of a game that i shouldn't be in the first place.
Maybe it's because I always have trouble adjusting especially after a long relaxing semester abroad but these two weeks have been a killer. Always doing homework, always studying, always trying not to fall behind. Things are just piling up. There are things to take care of (school bill, paying back the debt from traveling around the world, work, summer jobs, interview, volunteer, grades).. now Allen.
I always feel like im letting him down. Always somehow disappoint him one way or another. First with my family issue, now with me choosing everything over him. With the last week of freedom, i cant find the time just to see him. He's always left alone waiting. I dunno how much love is left to keep him waiting. In fact, we recently officially declared our relationship open.. cuz my first bf is really the MCAT. I just hope that when everything reaches the end, he'll still be here waiting for me.
I dunno how strong i am.. but im going to try my best.. try my best to man up. Stop crying so much.. cuz this is not even the hard part yet.
He told me he'll take care of me for the rest of my life if i marry him now.. but im a realist.. and a feminist.. and will never expect a guy to support me. I just think that's damn foolish. I just want to move ahead in my life at the moment.. and not lose him at the same time.
There are so many feelings to express and i wish i have the time Blog. BUt it's 4 AM and i have to wake up to make some money tomorrow..
Carol
